Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Goodness Gracious! MASH UP!

I hit that point today where I took everyone's advise and COMPLETELY revamped the query.  Loved the advise from Sharon, especially the Mad Libs. 

So if some of my fellow minions would help me out, I graciously accept your advise.  :)

Being an orphan sucked.  Eighteen year old Emma Hunter had been tossed from one group home to the next her entire life.   She longs for someone who cares, or at least someone who would have  told her she was entrusted with the powers of a malevolent spirit and he'll do anything to get them back.

Emma’s life is far from perfect.  The system had made sure of that.  If living in a residential group home wasn’t bad enough, her love for the bad boy of the school, Luke, solidifies her place as an outcast.  Growing up without parents had been tough, but even Emma knows love isn’t controlling or jealous.  When a boy who flirts with her is killed, Emma knows  Luke had to have been involved.

Pulled into a world of Native American legend, Emma’s powers of telepathy begin to emerge.   Able to hear the thoughts of those around her would be an advantage in this fight, that is if Luke wasn’t able to block her.  As her powers grow stronger she learns Luke is a Skinwalker—a witch who alters his shape to wreak havoc on humans.  Disguised as a raven, Luke watches, waiting until Emma turns nineteen so he can reclaim the powers that are rightfully his, even if it means killing everyone in his way.  When Emma meets Solomon, a young medicine man, he offers her protection. But knowing what happened to the last person she befriended, she pushes Solomon away.  When the connection with Solomon becomes too strong Emma knows she can’t turn her back on her first chance at love.  She must learn to use the powers she’s been entrusted to defeat Luke or risk losing Solomon's love.   IT’S YOU is a NA Romance, that tells the story of healing, with a supernatural thread driving the story.  It is complete at 96,000 words.

 Thank you for your time and consideration


  1. Hi Connie! I love stories supernatural stories that include serious themes. It sort of feels like the query begins several times. :) I think you could start at "Emma's life is far from perfect" and leave out the first paragraph, it doesn't seem to give us any additional information that we really need. In paragraph two, I inferred that the "angry fist" was Luke abusing her, but that really isn't clear. You might want to spell it out more.

    You use the phrase "first chance of love" twice in the last paragraph.

    Cool story! I look forward to reading the first page next week.

  2. I agree with Sharon. I like the sentence, "Emma's life is far from perfect." and start from there!

    Don't you just love this query thing??

  3. Connie,

    I'll just say ditto and leave it at that, you have the two best voices here, so I'll just say hello, and that it's a wonderful improvement (because suddenly I know :)) over the last, with these few tweaks I think you'll be there!

    Good luck, and yes, isn't this fun -- and in a funny frustrating way, it really is.

  4. I agree with the above comments, and it's sounding really good! I'd suggest that you work on some tense issues, so maybe put the whole thing in present tense. Good luck; the story is sounding great. :)