NaNo Writing Month

Super excited to start this tomorrow!  Fingers get ready...set...and GO!

Welcome Super Villians!

Query:

Dear Super Villain,

Emma’s life is far from perfect.  The system had made sure of that.  If living in a residential group home wasn’t bad enough, her love for the bad boy of the school, Luke, solidifies her place as an outcast.  Growing up without parents had been tough, but even Emma knows love isn’t controlling or jealous.  When a boy who flirts with her is killed, Emma knows Luke had to have been involved.

Pulled into a world of Native American legend, Emma’s powers of telepathy begin to emerge.   Able to hear the thoughts of those around her would be an advantage, that is if Luke wasn’t able to block her.  As her powers grow stronger she learns Luke is a Skinwalker—a witch who alters his shape to wreak havoc on humans.  Disguised as a raven, Luke watches, waiting until Emma turns nineteen so he can reclaim the powers that are rightfully his, even if it means killing everyone in his way.  When Emma meets Solomon, a young medicine man, he offers her protection. But knowing what happened to the last person she befriended, she pushes Solomon away.  When the connection with Solomon becomes too strong, Emma knows she can’t turn her back on her first chance at love.  She must learn to use the powers she’s been entrusted with to defeat Luke, or risk losing Solomon's love.   IT’S YOU is a NA Romance, that tells the story of healing, with a supernatural thread driving the story.  It is complete at 96,000 words.

 Thank you for your time and consideration

 First Page:

 

         Eighteen Years Ago

            The sides of the cave dripped as the storm blew in sheets of rain. Thunder boomed outside, echoing through the hollow darkness.  The room was small, lit only by sconces attached low on the wall.  Five men stood unmoving, clad in tribal brilliance, their long black hair swayed slightly with the cold breeze.  A crumpled figure lay before them, his skin glistened with a dampness. The man shifted, strong black wings emerged from his back, pumping as he struggled to his knees.  Hands bound behind him, he used his shoulder to wipe the blood from his mouth.

            “Untie me.”  His voice reverberated through the hollow cave.

            “You have to take responsibility…,” one of the men spoke.

            “Untie me!” he yelled.

            The men lifted their heads to the heavens.  A voice echoed through the walls.  “Your gifts will be taken for the duration of your punishment.  You will live among the Earth dwellers until your trial.  Take this time to redeem yourself.”

            The man pumped his wings again, a powerful current of air circled the cave.  “You cannot judge me.  I will not live among them.  I will not live as one of them.”

            “The choice is no longer yours.  It was not the intent of your gifts to use them for your own pleasure.  You were sent to protect the tribes, not abuse them.”  The voice grew stronger at the man’s defiance.

            “My gifts will find me.  They call to me.  They cannot be hidden. What has been given to me will not be taken away.”

            A bolt of lightning struck his chest.  With a guttural growl he arched his back, clenching his jaw, refusing to show pain as his heart was removed and his powers stripped. 

“They are no longer yours.”  The voice echoed through the cave.

                                                           

  Chapter 1

           

I threaded my fingers through my long blonde hair, lifting it off my neck to pull into a ponytail. I cringed when my fingers grazed the greenish purple bruise at my temple.  Luke and I had gotten into another argument and I’d gotten to cross country practice late.  I hurried to catch up with the pre-workout stretches.    

            “Holy crap Emma what happened to your head?”  My best friend and running partner, Greg, looked over from where he sat on grass.

            “Luke and I bumped.”  I settled in the cool grass next to him.

            Greg let out a loud laugh.  “What where you guys doing?”

            “Not what you’re thinking.  It was an accident.”  Or at least that’s what I’d convinced myself.

“So are you two…like dating?”  Greg stood up and placed his hand on my shoulder for balance while he stretched his quads.

            “I’m not sure we’re officially dating.  The Ridge frowns on fraternizing.”  The Ridge was the group home where I’d lived since the eighth grade, when my last foster home fell apart.    

“Fraternizing?  What are you?  Like eighty?”

I shrugged.  “That’s their term so it probably came from someone who was eighty.”

“Em, you’ve spent every waking moment with him this summer, and when you’re not with him he’s texting you to find out where you are. That is the definition of dating.  Or at least stalking.”  Greg’s words faded as he took off running, leaving me behind. 

Forbidden verbs

My son is in college and taking an English 101 class.  His professor has what are called forbidden verbs.  Which in old school terms would be your linking verbs, is, are, has, had, have...Now I understand that they are not the strongest of verbs and she is trying to get the kids to make their sentence more interesting.  But to ot use a single forbidden verb in a four page compare and contract essay is asking a lot.  She will go through the paper and number the verbs,  each one being a point off the total score.  I have been paying attention to books I'm readng and wonder how it would look if we didn't use these verbs.

REVISIONS!

 

Thank you for the wonderful comments.  I have revised and tried to tighten it up a bit more.  I put the prologue and then a page of the story.

Prologue

            The walls of the cave dripped as the storm blew in sheets of rain. Thunder boomed outside.  The room was small, lit only by sconces attached low on the wall.  Five men stood unmoving, clad in tribal brilliance, their long black hair swayed slightly with the cold breeze.  A crumpled figure lay before them, his skin glistened with a dampness. The man shifted, strong black wings emerged from his back, pumping as he struggled to his knees.  Hands bound behind his back, he used his shoulder to wipe the blood from his mouth.

            “Untie me.”  His voice reverberated through the hollow cave.

            “You have to take responsibility…”  one of the men spoke.

            “Untie me!” he yelled.

            The men lifted their heads to the heavens.  A voice echoed through the walls.  “Your gifts will be taken for the duration of you punishment.  You will live among the Earth dwellers until your trial.  Take this time to redeem yourself.”

            He pumped his wings again, a powerful current of air circled the cave.  “I will not be judged by you.  I will not live among them.  I will not live as one of them.”

            “The choice is no longer yours.  It was not the intent of your gifts to use them for your own pleasure.  You were sent to protect the tribes, not abuse them.”  The voice grew stronger at the man’s defiance.

            “My gifts will find me.  They call to me.  They cannot be hidden. What has been given to me will not be taken away.”

            A bolt of lightning struck his chest.  With a guttural growl he arched his back, clenching his jaw, refusing to show pain as his heart was removed and his powers stripped. 

“They are no longer yours.”  The voice echoed through the cave.

                                                           

                                                                 Chapter 1

           

I threaded my fingers through my long blonde hair.  Lifting it off my neck, I pulled it into a ponytail. I cringed when my fingers grazed the greenish purple bruise at my temple.  Luke and I had gotten into another argument and I’d gotten to cross country practice late.  I hurried to catch up with the pre-workout stretches.    

            “Holy crap Emma what happened to your head?”  My best friend and running partner, Greg, looked over from where he sat on grass.

            “Luke and I bumped.”  I settled in the cool grass next to him.

            Greg let out a loud laugh.  “What where you guys doing?”

            “Not what you’re thinking.  It was an accident.”  Or at least that’s what I’d convinced myself.

“So are you two…like dating?”  Greg stood up and placed his hand on my shoulder for balance while he stretched his quads.

            “I’m not sure we’re officially dating.  The Ridge frowns on fraternizing.”  The Ridge was the group home where I’d lived since the eighth grade, when my last foster home fell apart.    

“Fraternizing?  What are you?  Like eighty?”

I shrugged.  “That’s their term so it probably came from someone who was eighty.”

WEEK 2 First Pages

I put the prologue in even though when we submit they recommend we don't.  And the first chapter.  Thanks ahead of time.

Prologue

            The walls of the cave were dripping water as the storm blew in sheets of rain. Thunder boomed outside.  The room was small, lit only by sconces attached low on the wall.  Five men stood unmoving, clad in tribal brilliance, their long black hair swayed slightly with the cold breeze.  A crumpled figure lay before them, his skin glistened with a dampness. The man shifted, strong black wings emerged from his back, pumping as he struggled to his knees.  Hands bound behind his back, he used his shoulder to wipe the blood from his mouth.

            “Untie me.”  His voice reverberated through the hollow cave.

            “You have to take responsibility…”  one of the men spoke.

            “Untie me!” he yelled.

            The men lifted their heads to the heavens.  A voice echoed through the walls.  “Your gifts will be taken for the duration of you punishment.  You will live among the Earth dwellers until your trial.  Take this time to redeem yourself.”

            He pumped his wings again, a powerful current of air circled the cave.  “I will not be judged by you.  I will not live among them.  I will not live as one of them.”

            “The choice is no longer yours.  It was not the intent of your gifts to use them for your own pleasure.  You were sent to protect the tribes, not abuse them.”  The voice grew stronger at the man’s defiance.

            “My gifts will find me.  They call to me.  They cannot be hidden. What has been given to me will not be taken away.”

            A bolt of lightening struck his chest.  With a guttural growl he arched his back, clenching his jaw, refusing to show pain as his heart was removed and his powers stripped. 

“They are no longer yours.”  The voice echoed through the cave.

                                                           

                                                                 Chapter 1

           

I threaded my fingers through my long blonde hair, lifting it off my neck, I pulled it into a ponytail. I cringed when my fingers grazed the greenish purple bruise at my temple.  Luke and I had gotten into an argument and I’d gotten to cross country practice late.  I hurried to catch up with the pre-workout stretches.    

            “Holy crap Emma what happened to your head?”  My best friend and running partner, Greg, looked over from where he sat on grass.

            “Luke and I bumped.”  I settled in the cool grass next to him.

            Greg let out a loud laugh.  “What where you guys doing?”

            “Not what you’re thinking.  It was an accident.”  Or at least that’s what I’d convinced myself.

“So are you two…like dating?”  Greg stood up and placed his hand on my head for balance while he stretched his quads.

            “I’m not sure we’re officially dating.  The Ridge frowns on fraternizing.”  The Ridge was the group home where I currently lived.    

“Fraternizing?  What are you?  Like eighty?”

I shrugged.  “That’s their term so it probably came from someone who was eighty.”

“Em, you’ve spent every waking moment with him this summer, and when you’re not with him he’s texting you to find out where you are. That is the definition of dating.  Or at least stalking.”  Greg’s words faded as he took off running, leaving me behind. 

            I jumped up and ran after him. I matched my short strides to his longer ones.  Greg was tall and lanky, the perfect body for cross country.  I was a good head shorter, making each of his strides equal to two of mine. My phone buzzed in my pocket.  Announcing a new text.

            “Is that your phone?” Greg asked.  “Why do you have your phone when you’re running?”

            “Luke gets mad if he can’t reach me.”  I pulled my phone out, texting while I ran.

            “That’s not normal.”  Greg didn’t seem too happy with my answer.

            “You don’t like him?”  We headed into the woods beside the school to begin a five mile run for the day.

            “I don’t know him and he doesn’t want to know me.  The way he looks at you is creepy.  Like he knows something no one else does.  Does it matter if I like him?  I’m not dating him.”

The path evened out as we came out the other side of the trees.

 “I want you to like him. You’re my best friend.”  Greg had been my friend since I was placed in the group home.

Greg stopped short.

I ran a few paces, then turned around and jogged back to him. “What?”

            “Emma you need to be careful.”

            I jogged in place, trying to keep my muscles loose.  “Careful of what?”

            “Just be careful.  Sometimes people aren’t what they seem.”

            “Like he’s a mass murderer disguised as a high school senior?”

            “You never know.  He does live…” Greg’s voice trailed off.  “Just be careful, Em.”

            “He does live where?!  At The Ridge?  That’s what you were going to say—wasn’t it?  Because everyone at The Ridge is a screw up right.”  I shoved him.

            I’d been in foster care or groups homes for as long as I could remember.  I didn’t know my parents.  They’d abandoned me when I was little.  There had been a few families that jumped at the chance of adopting a tiny blonde haired, blue eyed, little girl…but every time I got close to getting a family something happened.  One of the parents died in car accident another was diagnosed with cancer.  If they had other children, they didn’t like me.  I was known in the system as bad luck and eventually everyone stopped trying and just stuck me in a group home. 

            “Don’t do that.  You know I don’t think you’re a screw up.  Just be careful.  You don’t know him that well,” Greg said.

            “I know he’s had it tough.  His dad was horrible to him.  I know he gets angry.”  I knew Greg was just watching out for me.  That seemed to be what he did.  Grateful for his concern, I wrapped my arms around his waist and squeezed.  “I’ll be careful.”

            “That’s all I ask.  Now let’s get this run over so you’re not late for your date.”  Greg gave the top of my head a friendly kiss before he left me standing on the trail. 

            Greg and I finished our run in record time.  The school was deserted as we jogged through the parking lot.  We’d added distance to our runs, pushing ourselves to get qualifying times for districts.  Everyone else stuck to the required three miles. 

            “Keep up that pace and you two could be on your way to State.”  Coach Hawkins stood at the locker room and called out as we approached.  “Districts only two weeks away and I see both of you winning your races.” 

            “Thanks coach,” My cheeks ached with a smile that stretched to its limit.  Greg and I had worked since our freshman year to make it to State.  My dream was to get a scholarship, even though I’d never really expected it to happen.

“State here we come!” Greg picked me up and twirled me around in a tight hug.  “Let’s celebrate!  Pizza at Orlando’s?  Drinks on me.  Well only if it’s water.”  He set me back on the ground and waited for my answer, his smile matched mine.

“I can’t.  I have my date, remember.” 

Greg’s shoulders slumped.  His smile wavered.  “That’s okay.  Maybe later.”

“Yeah.  Maybe tomorrow.”  I tried to sound upbeat but I didn’t look forward to asking Luke if I could celebrate with Greg.  He was already irritated about my work-out schedule and how much time I spent away from him.

“Tomorrow then.” Greg gave me a quick pat on the arm before we headed into our separate locker rooms. 

I was walking on air when I left the locker room, but stopped when I saw Luke standing casually against my car.  Dressed in baggy jeans and a leather jacket, his black hair messy in a stylish way, he looked like he jumped out of a magazine. 

            “Hey.” Self-conscious of my sweaty t-shirt and ratty sweats, I hesitated.  In my hurry I hadn’t taken a shower.  I knew I reeked. “You won’t believe what coach just told me.  He said Greg and I could make it to State this year…”   My voice trailed off.  Luke’s expression was tight.  I touched his arm.  “You surprised me.  I thought you were back at The Ridge.  I’m sorry.  I didn’t know you were waiting.”

            “What were you doing with Greg?” His voice had a cold edge.

“Running?”  Was this a trick question?  I had just finished my workout.

            Luke’s eyes darted around the parking lot. “Practice has been over for an hour.”

            “We run extra.  The coach said we…”

            The crack of the slap echoed through the empty parking lot.  I was knocked to the ground. My face throbbed, the sting of the slap burnt like fire.  This time there was no doubt in my mind. He’d hit me and it wasn’t an accident.

Luke knelt beside me and grabbed my arm. “Stay away from him.”

 I moved my jaw back and forth, checking if anything was broken.  The iron taste of blood filled my mouth.

“Who?  Greg?  He’s my running partner.”  I grabbed the bumper of my car and tried to pull myself up.

“Quit.”  His fingers slid into my hair, tugging against the rubber band holding my pony tail.  “Quit the team.”  My head fell back with the tension.

“I’ve worked the last three years to make state.  I can’t quit.  We’re going to Districts.  Coach thinks I have a chance.”  Was he on crack?  What the heck was he talking about?    

“Don’t be ridiculous.  You won’t win.”

His words hit me harder than the slap.

“I might.”  My voice was small.  Everything I cared about had been taken from me.  Running was the only thing I had.

“Greg’s using running to keep you away from me.”  He slid his hand to cup my jaw once more.  “I’m sorry I hit you.  You know my temper.  You’re my world Emma.  I can’t lose you.”  He placed his lips against mine.  “I’ll die without you.”

I leaned into his kiss.  “I won’t quit.”

He trailed kisses across my tear stained face. He stopped at my ear and whispered, “I’ve search a long time for you.  You’ll quit.”

My Son playing football this weekend.  #6

Now back to the Haunted writing Clinic!  First pages coming soon

I'm going to take a step away.

I have love all the feedback and only hope the feedback I provided was helpful.  I am going to visit my son at college this weekend so will be out of the loop for a few days...so I think it is a good opportunity to step away and let the query simmer.


Dear Agent,

Being an orphan sucked.  Eighteen year old Emma Hunter had been tossed from one group home to the next her entire life.   She longs for someone who cares, or at least someone who would have  told her she was entrusted with the powers of a malevolent spirit and he'll do anything to get them back.

Emma’s life is far from perfect.  The system had made sure of that.  If living in a residential group home wasn’t bad enough, her love for the bad boy of the school, Luke, solidifies her place as an outcast.  Growing up without parents had been tough, but even Emma knows love isn’t controlling or jealous.  When a boy who flirts with her is killed, Emma knows  Luke had to have been involved.

Pulled into a world of Native American legend, Emma’s powers of telepathy begin to emerge.   Able to hear the thoughts of those around her would be an advantage in this fight, that is if Luke wasn’t able to block her.  As her powers grow stronger she learns Luke is a Skinwalker—a witch who alters his shape to wreak havoc on humans.  Disguised as a raven, Luke watches, waiting until Emma turns nineteen so he can reclaim the powers that are rightfully his, even if it means killing everyone in his way.  When Emma meets Solomon, a young medicine man, he offers her protection. But knowing what happened to the last person she befriended, she pushes Solomon away.  When the connection with Solomon becomes too strong Emma knows she can’t turn her back on her first chance at love.  She must learn to use the powers she’s been entrusted to defeat Luke or risk losing Solomon's love.   IT’S YOU is a NA Romance, that tells the story of healing, with a supernatural thread driving the story.  It is complete at 96,000 words.

 

 Thank you for your time and consideration

Goodness Gracious! MASH UP!

I hit that point today where I took everyone's advise and COMPLETELY revamped the query.  Loved the advise from Sharon, especially the Mad Libs. 

So if some of my fellow minions would help me out, I graciously accept your advise.  :)

Being an orphan sucked.  Eighteen year old Emma Hunter had been tossed from one group home to the next her entire life.   She longs for someone who cares, or at least someone who would have  told her she was entrusted with the powers of a malevolent spirit and he'll do anything to get them back.

Emma’s life is far from perfect.  The system had made sure of that.  If living in a residential group home wasn’t bad enough, her love for the bad boy of the school, Luke, solidifies her place as an outcast.  Growing up without parents had been tough, but even Emma knows love isn’t controlling or jealous.  When a boy who flirts with her is killed, Emma knows  Luke had to have been involved.

Pulled into a world of Native American legend, Emma’s powers of telepathy begin to emerge.   Able to hear the thoughts of those around her would be an advantage in this fight, that is if Luke wasn’t able to block her.  As her powers grow stronger she learns Luke is a Skinwalker—a witch who alters his shape to wreak havoc on humans.  Disguised as a raven, Luke watches, waiting until Emma turns nineteen so he can reclaim the powers that are rightfully his, even if it means killing everyone in his way.  When Emma meets Solomon, a young medicine man, he offers her protection. But knowing what happened to the last person she befriended, she pushes Solomon away.  When the connection with Solomon becomes too strong Emma knows she can’t turn her back on her first chance at love.  She must learn to use the powers she’s been entrusted to defeat Luke or risk losing Solomon's love.   IT’S YOU is a NA Romance, that tells the story of healing, with a supernatural thread driving the story.  It is complete at 96,000 words.

 

 Thank you for your time and consideration

I'M LISTENING! KEEP IT COMING :)

So I looked at my most recent advice and made changes again.  Hope I'm getting closer.   Thanks for the help!

Dear Agent,

Emma’s life was far from perfect.  The foster care system had made sure of that.  Unfamiliar with love she is quick to fall for the bad boy of her group home, Luke.  But even she knows love isn’t on the receiving end of an angry fist.  When her best friend gets in the middle on one of their fights and is killed, Emma's grip on reality falters, landing her in the psychatric ward.  How could she have predicted he was really her bodyguard and she was the protector of the sacred powers of a Native American God.

Pulled into a world of Native American legend, Emma gets a rude introduction to Skinwalkers--witches who alter their shape to wreak havoc on humans--and discovers Luke is one of them.  Emma’s dreams are haunted as Luke stalks her, waiting until the time is right to reclaim his powers.   The night Solomon, the Shoalwaters’ young medicine man, enters her dreams Emma is offered his protection. But knowing one wrong move can trigger Luke’s violence, she refuses to believe she holds Solomon's heart and can offer him mortality.  Emma is forced to face her abuser and accept the powers she’s been bestowed or risk losing herself and the one she loves to the evil Luke will unleash on the world.   IT’S YOU is a NA Romance, telling the story of healing, with a supernatural thread driving the story.  It is complete at 96,000 words. 

 Thank you for your time and consideration.

Thanks for the advise! Another Revision

I love all the feedback!  As well as I love reading the potential future novels out there.  I wonder if all of us banded together and published ourselves and promised to purchase each others books how we would do.  :)  I can't stand getting pulled into these amazing stories and then only getting the query and the first pages...I'm screaming for MORE!!!!!

I hope I took the advice so graciously given and I hope this is better.  Let me know.  LOVE, LOVE , LOVE the feedback (even if it is bad :) )

Emma’s life was far from perfect.  The foster care system had made sure of that.  Unfamiliar with love she was quick to fall for Luke, the bad boy of her group home.  But even she knew love wasn’t on the receiving end of an angry fist.  When her best friend tries to help and is killed, her world is turned upside down.  How could she have predicted her best friend was really her bodyguard and she was the protector of sacred powers of a Native American God. 

Pulled into a world of Native American legend Emma gets a rude introduction to Skinwalkers; witches who alter their shape to wreak havoc on humans.   And discovers Luke, is one of them.  Emma’s dreams are haunted as Luke stalks her, waiting until the time is right to reclaim his powers.   Introduced to Solomon, the Shoalwaters’ young medicine man, Emma is offered his protection. But knowing one wrong move can trigger Luke’s violence, she refuses their connection.  Emma is forced to face her abuser and accept the powers she’s been bestowed or lose the chance to live and love again.   IT’S YOU is a NA Romance, telling the story of healing, with a supernatural thread driving the story.  It is complete at 96,000 words. 

 Thank you for your time and consideration.