So excited to start this Haunted Writing Clinic! I am attaching my query below. All comments are greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance!
Dear Agent,
Having grown up in the foster care system, Emma’s life was far from perfect. But she never envisioned herself on the receiving end of an angry fist.
When Emma begins to receive cryptic messages about parents she never, she wants nothing more than to graduate and get out of town. However, the system has other ideas and she is sent her to live with a distant relative she never knew she had. Emma sees it as a chance to escape and start over. But soon she finds herself thrust into a world of Navajo Spirits called the Holy Ones, where Luke is no longer just her ex-boyfriend but a malevolent spirit after something she holds inside. The only way to protect herself and her new found family are to accept the help Solomon offers, a self-proclaimed spirit with healing powers. As Solomon gets drawn deeper into Emma’s world their connection is undeniable but so is the danger Emma’s past holds for him. Emma must learn to accept the gifts that were bestowed to her and find the strength to fight for the love she has always searched for, or risk losing it all.
IT’S YOU is a 96,000 word NA Romance that tells the story of eighteen year old Emma, who tries to escape an abusive past only to be thrust into the world of a Navajo legend.
I'm the last person to give advice but this needs a little work.
ReplyDelete"When Emma begins to receive cryptic messages about parents she never (?), she wants nothing more than to graduate and get out of town. However, the system has other ideas and she is sent her to live with a distant relative she never knew she had."
'never' used in similar way twice? May just be me.
I hope this helps, being able to help would be wonderful.
Good luck!
Hiya Ms Connie! I like your premise :) I understand the query issues - I'm still adjusting mine, over and over...and over and over LOL
ReplyDeleteHere is my ideas (I am no SUPER VILLAN though LOL):
Having grown up in the foster care system, Emma's life was far from perfect. But she never envisioned herself on the receiving end of angry fist year. <!~~ The second sentence is your hook. How about a little rewording? Say (this is off the cuff and FAR from great) Emma's life is far from perfect, but she never envisioned herself on the receiving end of an angry fist.
You have a wonderful voice! A little tightening up and I think you have it.
A few typos are lagging in there, "Parents she never..." never what? Knew? If it is knew, you repeat the same phrase later with relatives so I'd change one or the other.
ReplyDeleteThe rest I'm just confused about. You talk about "angry letters" about her parents but I don't see a relavance here. What are the letters and why does it effect the story? (might not be able to answer these questions in the query, that's okay. I might suggest just cutting the parents part anyway)
So she grew up in foster care, but then all of the sudden shes taken out to live with relatives? Where did they come from, why wasn't she with them before? If the character is just as confused-- show us that! then all of the sudden there are spirits and an ex boyfriend (Whered he come from?) and I'm really confused.
I like to say that a query is just telling a story. You can't tell a story that jumps around with out set-ups, or payoffs.
I'm sure it's frustrating to hear this stuff (I've been there!) but, honestly, all you need to do is simplify this to only what's most important and tell this story in a clear way.
I like the idea of a character in foster care and potentially dealing with her unknown past etc etc. It's just lost in a lot of things and I'm not sure which way to look!
Good luck. Don't hate me ;-)
Thank you for all the comments. Love the help! I have taken in your advise and revamped. PLEASE let me know if I have gone too far in revision.
ReplyDeleteI think the strength of your story lies in the Navajo spirits. I suggest condensing everything before that down into one or two sentences. Then give a full paragraph that lets us feel and experience these spirits. If you can get the publisher to really feel it, they will start reading the book.
ReplyDelete