Thank you, Thank you, thank you! Got some great feedback and got to work on my first revision. Let me know if it works better. :)
Dear Agent,
Having grown up in the foster care system, Emma’s life was far from perfect. But she never envisioned herself on the receiving end of an angry fist or being told she’s the protector of sacred powers of a Native American God.
Pulled into a world of Native American legend Emma gets a rude introduction to Skinwalkers; witches who alter their shape to wreak havoc on humans. And discovers her ex-boyfriend, Luke, is one of them. Creeping into Emma’s dreams, Luke stalks her, waiting until the time is right to reclaim his powers. Introduced to Solomon, the Shoalwaters’ young medicine man, Emma is offered his protection. But knowing one wrong move can trigger Luke’s violence, she refuses their connection. Emma is forced to face her abuser and accept the powers she’s been bestowed or lose the chance to live and love again. IT’S YOU is a NA Romance, telling the story of healing, with a supernatural thread driving the story. It is complete at 96,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Connie Michael
Here lately, I have been writing comments, but forgetting to click publish before I leave the page. Sorry, but I did comment on your first query, I just didn't save it:(
ReplyDeleteOne thing I would suggest working on is the passive voice and the participle phrases. For instance, maybe replace words such as "Having grown up" and "But knowing one wrong move" with stronger words that aren't gerunds.
I really like this premise and think it sounds like a wonderful story:)
Connie,
ReplyDeleteYou've made great changes, but Talynn, Ink in the Book, really knows her stuff. I wish you all the best. By the time I was done with my changes last night, I was more confused than ever, but it's a learning process, and I am learning.
Good luck!
I just wanted to say thanks for your comments on my query!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Connie,
ReplyDeleteI'll dive right in. I've taken the liberty of pasting your query here with imbedded comments in brackets [ ]:
Dear Agent,
Having grown up in the foster care system, Emma’s life was far from perfect. But she never envisioned herself on the receiving end of an angry fist or being told she’s the protector of sacred powers of a Native American God.
[This opening paragraph is a little weak. Firstly, you should mention the title, genre and word count as soon as possible. Get the basics out of the way. Also, you should try and hook them with the basic theme of your story, so transplant the essence of it -- "a supernatural story of healing" -- to the beginning. You want to make it impossible for the person reading to be at all mystified]
Pulled into a world of Native American legend [comma here] Emma gets a rude introduction to Skinwalkers [comma here, not semi-colon] witches who alter their shape to wreak havoc on humans. [She] discovers her ex-boyfriend, Luke, is one of them. Creeping into Emma’s dreams [He can creep into dreams? How? This is a sudden unexplained rule], Luke stalks her, waiting until the time is right to reclaim his powers [What happened to his powers?]. Introduced to Solomon, the Shoalwaters’ young medicine man, Emma is offered his protection. But knowing one wrong move can trigger Luke’s violence, she refuses their connection. Emma is forced to [either] face her abuser and accept the powers she’s been bestowed [comma] or lose the chance to live and love again.
[The full manuscript is ready to be sent at your request]. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Hope this helps a bit!