So I looked at my most recent advice and made changes again. Hope I'm getting closer. Thanks for the help!
Dear Agent,
Emma’s life was far from perfect. The foster care system had made sure of that. Unfamiliar with love she is quick to fall for the bad boy of her group home, Luke. But even she knows love isn’t on the receiving end of an angry fist. When her best friend gets in the middle on one of their fights and is killed, Emma's grip on reality falters, landing her in the psychatric ward. How could she have predicted he was really her bodyguard and she was the protector of the sacred powers of a Native American God.
Pulled into a world of Native American legend, Emma gets a rude introduction to Skinwalkers--witches who alter their shape to wreak havoc on humans--and discovers Luke is one of them. Emma’s dreams are haunted as Luke stalks her, waiting until the time is right to reclaim his powers. The night Solomon, the Shoalwaters’ young medicine man, enters her dreams Emma is offered his protection. But knowing one wrong move can trigger Luke’s violence, she refuses to believe she holds Solomon's heart and can offer him mortality. Emma is forced to face her abuser and accept the powers she’s been bestowed or risk losing herself and the one she loves to the evil Luke will unleash on the world. IT’S YOU is a NA Romance, telling the story of healing, with a supernatural thread driving the story. It is complete at 96,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
HI Connie,fellow minion here! Random thoughts on wording (group homes and foster homes are not the same thing so I was a little confused by that). "Love isn't on the receiving end of a fist" Don't you mean it isn't on the delivering end of the fist? Or do you mean love can't be found on the receiving end? What you wrote is catchy but I'm not quite sure it makes sense. psychiatric (typo) "middle on one of their fights" s/b "middle of..." Last sentence in first paragraph should have ? at the end. Also that sentence seems kind of thrown in there as a last minute thought, when really it might function as an opening hook. Is she offering Solomon mortality or immortality? Why is she holding his heart? Do they fall in love during her dreams somehow? "she’s been bestowed" sounds awkward, usually it would be "powers she's had bestowed upon her" or something like that - in the interests of not being overly wordy perhaps you could just say "she's been given" or "she's inherited". Anyway, I like the Native American theme and the dream element. Wishing you good luck!
ReplyDeleteFellow minion here! I haven't read the previous incarnations of this query, so keep that in mind as I leave my comments. Overall, I'm going to say that it has a very rushed feeling about it. I know we all worry about WC with a query, but start off just telling it and then cut it down from there. That's my advice. Here's my thoughts on the actually query:
ReplyDeleteEmma’s life was far from perfect. [I feel like you need a better hook with this opening line. Maybe even start with "Emma has learned throughout her life that love can never be found on the delivering end of a fist. So when she finds herself falling for the bad boy of her foster home..." That will also help to tell her backstory in a more condensed way and give you more room to explain what happens after she goes to the psychiatric ward.] The foster care system had made sure of that. Unfamiliar with love she is quick to fall for the bad boy of her group home, Luke. But even she knows love isn’t on the receiving end of an angry fist. When her best friend gets in the middle on one of their fights and is killed, Emma's grip on reality falters, landing her in the psychatric ward. [I love this concept because it automatically makes me ask how much of what you explain later is real and how much in her own mind! Very intriguing.]How could she have predicted he was really her bodyguard [This confuses me--Luke was her bodyguard? You're kind of painting him to be a baddy, so I would try to reword this to be more clear on his role] and she was the protector of the sacred powers of a Native American God. [This last part of the sentence really needs more attention than is given right now. It's your twist, so don't hide it with another revelation.]
Pulled into a world of Native American legend, Emma gets a rude introduction to Skinwalkers--witches who alter their shape to wreak havoc on humans--and discovers Luke is one of them. Emma’s dreams are haunted as Luke stalks her, waiting until the time is right to reclaim his powers. [Another unclear moment--what powers? Is he her bodyguard meant to protect her or an enemy trying to hurt her? Be clear on what he wants from her and what he is willing to do to get it. This is your obstacle.] The night Solomon, the Shoalwaters’ [what's a Shoalwater?] young medicine man, enters her dreams Emma is offered his protection. But knowing one wrong move can trigger Luke’s violence, she refuses to believe she holds Solomon's heart and can offer him mortality [Be clear on what Solomon wants and what Emma wants from him. Are they potential lovers? Is Luke jealous or just trying to get by her protections?]. Emma is forced to face her abuser and accept the powers she’s been bestowed or risk losing herself and the one she loves to the evil Luke will unleash on the world. [Great stakes but too vague. This sentence will work beautifully if you fill in some of the questions mentioned before.] IT’S YOU is a NA Romance, telling the story of healing, with a supernatural thread driving the story. [I like how you describe it as a supernatural thread] It is complete at 96,000 words.
Hope this helps and keep in mind I am just a novice as well. =D
Hi! I hope you find my suggestions helpful. I’m a fellow minion, so I’m by no means expert. FYI, I'm not yelling at you, I promise :)
ReplyDeleteEmma’s life was far from perfect. The foster care system had made sure of that. Unfamiliar with love she is quick to fall for the bad boy of her group home, Luke. But even she knows love isn’t on the receiving end of an angry fist [THIS IS A BIT VAGUE. WHO’S ON THE RECEIVING END OF THE FIST?].When her best friend gets in the middle on one [YOU COULD LOSE EITHER “GETS IN THE MIDDLE” OR “GETS ON ONE”. BOTH SAY THE SAME THING] of their fights and is killed, Emma's grip on reality falters, landing her in the psychatric ward [THIS IS NICE, TELLS ME THAT SHE’S EMPATHIZES WITH THE SITUATION, AND THAT’S SOMETHING SO MANY YA BOOKS LACK]. How could she have predicted he was really her bodyguard and she was the protector of the sacred powers of a Native American God. [HERE YOU JUMPED TOO FAST (OR MAYBE BIT LATE) INTO THE SUPERNATURAL STUFF. UNTIL THIS SENTENCE, YOUR QUERY GAVE ME THE IMPRESSION OF YA CONTEMPORARY, AND HERE IT’S VERY CLEARLY STATED THAT IT’S FANTASY]
Pulled into a world of Native American legend, Emma gets a rude introduction [I’VE BEEN TOLD THIS KIND OF THING NEEDS TO BE MORE DETAILED. WHAT KIND OF RUDE INTRODUCTION?] to Skinwalkers--witches who alter their shape to wreak havoc on humans--and discovers Luke is one of them [WAIT, I THOUGHT LUKE WAS HER BODYGARD?]. Emma’s dreams are haunted as Luke stalks her, waiting until the time is right to reclaim his powers [WHAT KIND OF POWERS? HOW IS THIS RELATED TO YOUR MC?]. The night Solomon [WHAT’S THAT? SORRY IF IT’S COMMON KNOWLEDGE OR SOMETHING, BUT I’M NOT AMERICAN SO I HAVE NO IDEA. I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM BECAUSE MY STORY IS BASED ON A GUARANI LEGEND, AND I’M FAMILIAR WITH IT BUT MOST OF THE READERS WON’T BE.], the Shoalwaters’ young medicine man, enters her dreams Emma is offered his protection. But knowing one wrong move can trigger Luke’s violence, she refuses to believe she holds Solomon's heart and can offer him mortality. Emma is forced to face her abuser and accept the powers she’s been bestowed [THIS IS A TRICKY SENTENCE TO PULL OFF ON A YA OR YA PITCH. WHO’D WANT TO READ ABOUT A MC THAT ACCEPTS SOMETHING FROM AN ABUSER? I’M SURE IT’S NOT THE CASE WITH YOUR STORY, BUT THAT’S HOW IT COMES ACCROSS] or risk losing herself and the one she loves [WHO DOES SHE LOVE? I THOUGHT IT WAS LUKE, BUT HERE I GOT CONFUSED] to the evil Luke will unleash on the world. IT’S YOU is a NA Romance, telling the story of healing, with a supernatural thread driving the story. It is complete at 96,000 words.
Anyway.. my first GUTGAA pitch was so horrible that now I question absolutely everything about pitches. And there’s still always something that could improve. I’d love to hear from you on my post. Come chime in, please.
Johana